she loves to read because it slaps her good at times. today, she is reminded that pain should never last forever because who the hell wants to get drenched in pain for so long. she is reminded that putting hopes should never go wrong because that way at least you have something you can hold on to if the tides get too high. but ultimately she is reminded that she wants to keep her best friend in her heart, for now and ever, just because it is where he belongs.

"But remember that the pain of parting from friends will be felt by everybody at times, whatever be their education or state. Know your own happiness. You want nothing but patience; or give it a more fascinating name: call it hope." -- Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility

she forgets how it felt like to experience the memorable, to be drowned in longing, to give willing devotion, to be needed, to be the one that mattered.. it is their last year together, and all she is worrying about is to have no good memories about him to miss.

when she said nothing would ever be the same again, she meant it with all her soul. because she knew it would never. because she wasn't really into sugarcoating, nor was she into denying the truth.

he holds her hands so tight and assures her that distance will not matter. for the eleven hundredth times. his voice, by now, sounds like a fading old sound that has been repeated time and again. the kind of sound that is tired and cannot wait for itself to just dissolve in the free air. the kind of sound that is tasteless having been repeated countless of times. the kind of sound that is weary and stale. deep in the heart she knows she cannot do it. not possibly. not ever. so she releases her hands from him, slowly, only in the steadiest motion.

she knew it was going to be her day so she put on her favorite tunic of all time. it was the color of purple, the brightest piece of clothing she owned. though for a brief moment she hesitated and thought the tunic was rather too much, her defense that said it was the holy month where people are in such festive mood to forgive bright colors won. so, what the hell, she thought. she then had the time of her life. until he showed up and sucked all of the brightness. he loathed the tunic. hated it. he thought she looked hideous in it. then her world got so dark, just in the blink of an eye. he called her an eyesore.

she finds herself loving words a lot. even she thinks she loves it too much that she becomes greedy - wanting to possess all of them in her head, which is infuriating because she know she cannot.

every second, she makes the decision to trust him. to let go of her insecurities. to let go of the fact that she has issues here and there. issues that he believes never exist. issues that he believes are artificial. she tries, still, to trust him. despite the hopes that lost along the way. despite the aches from disappointment, from contradictions, from hypocrisy. to build a bridge to get him, she realized, requires so much of a reciprocity. a realization that is not reciprocally shared with him, in this case.